Emasculate and Effeminate and Me

'Kay, So I'm a woman who doesn't feel very womanly.  I am comfortable with my gender identification as a woman so its not that. But I have a body disassociation thing, and am infertile. I'm big. I have to shave because I grow facial hair (gross)

So I was thinking about emasculation. and how its not a thing. . .and then I reasoned maybe it really is a devastating thing, look how I feel about not being a real woman.  So there is a word for that or should be.

so I looked up efeminate.  Not thinking that I already knew the word effeminate. Yeah efeminate is not a thing and effeminate is also about men.

So whats the word for that devastating feeling that your no longer womanly?

Seriously. I want that word. Efeminated IS a thing that women can feel it as strongly as man can be emasculated.

when a girl says she doesn't feel pretty.
when a girl finds out she can't conceive
when a girl feels like a failure despite being successful at work because the fricken cookies burned.
That stress of comparing herself against other woman and coming up short.
The stress of having to compete against other women to feel pretty enough, womanly enough.

We feel it. And we need a name for it because it is a thing.

without a word...its just...you know a "girl thing."
try telling a guy its just you know a "boy thing" the next time he feels emasculated.
yeah. No. probably better not to. Men have been known to kill over that crap.

Until I get my word. I'm going to stop using effeminate to mean "girly" and taking that word back to mean emasculation for females who identify as women and feel their identification being questioned.

Don't call me "bitch" because I find that word very effeminizing.

Metatopia 2015: Best Convention Ever!

It is my hope to do a larger write up before too many things evaporate from memory, but I want to at least post my initial reactions to this year’s Metatopia.  This was one of the best convention experiences for me, out shining even Dreamations. The Team at Double Exposure really know what they are doing and are hosting one of the most supportive spaces for Game Designers and the people who love gaming.

I’m personally not a big fan of Panels. I’m too restless. I wanna play in or run something rather than sit and be talked too. But the Panels were smart, there were a number of topics that appealed to me.  Things that could improve my game designs, Like the Panel on adding Mobile Apps to your game.  And things of general interest like the panel on The granddaughters of ripley: which looked at the rise and fall and rise again of the strong female action hero (go Jessica Jones)  I was surprised at home much I enjoyed going to panels.

The big new thing which I now want in all my convention experiences was the support group. “I got my cred right here, buddy” blossomed into something beautiful. It was not inclusive for all games, but rather the gamers who most often have their geekdom questioned, or are out right bullied and trolled. So women, those who identify as women, transfolk in general. All of which have known the sting of patronization among geek culture.  Some of us are so used to that sting that we just expect it.

The support group placed a safety net over convention.  Knowing if you got panicky there were people you could go to removed the shame of those feeling and made it ok to HAVE panic and feelings.  Also if I saw someone looking lost or upset I felt allowed to go up and ask if they were ok not knowing them but knowing we were part of the same group.  Thank you Avonelle Wing, that was awesome.

And From that started the Tea Party. Which needs to keep happening.  Cause it created a nice space for non drinkers to be able to join in the very very important nightly social gathering.  Game designers love each other, we want to cluster and catch up and hear each other's stories. the nightly gamer groove is a lovely lovely thing.

I enjoyed the games i playtested very much. I napped each day. and I Designed. I designed and playtested 2 games this con. AT the con.  One I brought as vaporware and asked for a workshop.  So the game went from ideas to discussion to 6 hours of rule writing to a 2 hour playtest (which was awesome) so awesome I talked friends into a longer playtest The game is holding up well.

The second game I thought was just going to be a reskin of my own game but the night before the playtest I realized that it wasn’t going to work so I was designing at the table and that game rocked.  Time Capers is a beautiful fun game.

So yes.  Best Convention Ever.

A lesson in love from my cat

The cat that loves me most urinates on my things.  This can be frustrating. I know its her thats doing it and I even know why she's doing it.  Each time has been after a convention weekend. Or after Michael's stay in the hospital.  Man that sucked.

I love this cat, I love all my cats, but Holly was so tiny when we got her and still wanting to nurse, Most cats will do happy feet when they are feeling the warmth and goodness of being safe with mom again, Holly makes her way to my chest and licks my neck as if to nurse.  I let her do it because I'm as needy for that feeling of being loved by a baby as she is for being loved by a mommy.

Her urinating behavior reminds me of the foster kids actually.  Holly is a cat with a tiny cat brain and the only way she can deal with the overwhelming feelings of abandonment and fear is to urinate on a possession of mine when I return to let the world know I'm hers.

Foster kids have such bigger brains and the same over whelming feelings of fear and abandonment. How do we expect kids to just take it in stride dealing with sudden moves, not knowing when things are going to get back to their normal.  The smells of parents house, food, cigarettes...the sounds of a house have a rhythm tv sounds quarreling, music. The feel of home furniture, mattresses,  their own clothes washed or unwashed the way it has been everyday before the authorities got involved.

All of that is taken away from them when they go into care.  And then again each time they get placed in a new foster home.  All those feelings of loss and abandonment and fear, self blame, anger they become their own weather systems inside the kids, and as I foster mom I have seen those storms rising and moving inside each of my kids.

I'm not going to be able to get my cat to understand that I'm not abandoning her.  The best I can do is make some quality time to cuddle her before I go and leave her something that smells on me in one of her sleeping places, then giver her more cuddle time when I get home.  Hopefully I can alleviate some of her anxiety.

I wish I understood this when I had troubled kids in my house.  That sometimes its ok to not address the troubling behavior, but to reassure the kid.  Teaching them to FEAR consequences when they are already overwhelmed by fear and anxiety seems like throwing gasoline on a fire then blaming the fire for getting hotter.

There were some behaviors of the kids in my house that I took personally.  And I felt like a failure when I couldn't help them stabilize-feel relaxed and safe.

Distance and Holly have helped me see it was never personal even when I was targeted.  It was just the only way the kids could deal with what was going on with them at the time.

I mean after Michael was in the hospital and we were both gone for a week, Holly peed in my game bag from Metatopia.  That felt really personal.  No more so than I imagine me not coming home one day and staying away felt to my very needy little cat.  She's powerless and tiny and doesn't speak my language, and yet I think she got her message quite clear.

Being angry at her is not going to get her to stop.  I'm not even sure if she can stop.

Being as I'm going to Metatopia, PhillyGamesCon, Nerdly, & Dexcon, I know she's going to do it again, but I know why.  So maybe if I give her extra time, before and after I go and leave her the nightie I last slept in to cushion her bed, she won't feel so abandoned.  Either way soap is cheap enough,

This is Holly-

My Dreamation 2013 experience

Thursday Getting Badges, easy and friendly.  Always nice to see and hug the staff.

Thursday game time: I ran Fiasco with the Hocus Focus playset.  I ran for 4 players.  I was surprised and delighted as the game unfolded how much fun I had.  The one I ran at Recess was kind of unsatisfying for me.  Partially my own fault for not understanding how conflict worked in the game.  I had purchased the Fiasco Companion since then and used its wisdom to a very happy end.

Friday morning: Diceland. I find its a lot of fun to wake up to this old Cheapass game.  I gathered a few players and we play out by the waterfall so we can make noise.

I also tried to run Shark, but it kind of didn’t happen.

Lunch at the Cafe that's sadly only open during the week

Then I played in a Jeep Larp with Emily Care-Boss called The Remodel.  This was my first Jeep Form Experience.  I know understand why Jeep Form keeps growing.  It redesigns the Larp experience to focus on the intense, emotional parts of play and breaks play into scenes that become shared experience with all the players whether they are in the scene or not rather than having play happening all around.

I really enjoyed the Larp but I don’t know if Im brave enough to try a Jeep Larp that deals with dark sad topics.

I Originally wanted to play in a monster hearts game at 8pm, but I was drained from the larp.  SO I ended up in the board game room and sat in on a wicked game of Sticheln, which is a rather vicious trick taking game.  The players were a lot of fun so I was laughing and thoroughly enjoying myself and then I got to go to bed early.

Saturday morning started with more Diceland.  Then I tried to enter the spades tournament   Michele is the only partner I want and we are terrible.  I mean just awful.  We ended the game laughing to the point of tears and holding negative points.  It was awesome.

Saturday afternoon.  Luke Crane ran a Larp version of one of his Burning Wheel games called Inheritance.  I got to play the Father of the Viking Household.  I was awesome. The game was awesome.  Michele my spades partner played my Viking Wife.  Rachel Walton was my exiled son.  The whole group were mostly women, there were only two men plus Luke in the game.

Saturday Night I ran Fiasco Hocus Focus again and just when I was about the cancel the game for lack of players Two more players showed up.  We ran an hour long and had lots and lots of fun being the bad side of chicago.  This was the first game that Murphy showed up with Dresden after the Tilt, which made me wonder why that never happened before.

Went to bed late but didn’t have to run a game till 10.

Sunday Serial Homicide Unit.  I know I designed this game but I just love the game.  Our serial killer was killing animal Shelter workers because his dog was killed in a shelter.  There were only 4 of us playing so the Killer almost got away with it.  It made for an exciting game.

I drove home feeling renewed.  Happy to have seen and socialized with so many good friends and played in so many good games.  I look forward to the next convention with a very happy heart.

Game Thoughts: Designing after Dexcon 13

Ok.

The Ever Larp uses the Everway's elemental system which I'm not sure if I like because its good or because I know it, and a way to boost stats by player aids which I know I do like.

Then I play A Taste For Murder and the idea of who influences who is very tasty as is the mood die.

I'm not sure if I Like it more for sparking inspiration of mood in the play or giving a player incentive as it is a bonus die but I know that it added pepper to the game and I like pepper.

So today I am thinking some things. I am thinking that I like a system that encourages player support. I like games that offer incentives like bonus dice. I like games that give players things to do when its not their characters turn to be in the spotlight.

I haven't played Spirit of the Century often, but I used to play fudge and there are a number of games where the task is set at a target number. I'm wondering if thats what I want.

SHU is GM-less and I didn't think I liked GM-less games. I guess I don't like any games where what I do is insignificant or can be ignored, whether is it GMed or not.

From my Everway roots I've been seeking player empowerment. But Ive played player empowered games and walked away unsatisfied. Such games highly depend on the caliber of the players.

I think I'm building a game with dice. And A Gm. Where the tasks are set against a target number of difficulty. Where the odds of success are greatly improved with player cooperation, or hampered with pvp conflict. Where there are bonus dice that players can aim for. But also a game where the influences that characters have over each other and the setting with ebb and flow organically with successes and failure.

I see cards in this system. but not playing cards. voting cards like in the Boardgame "King Me" These voting cards may advance the size or number of dice a player can roll or decrease/increase the target number.

Perhaps Bonus Dice should be "taxable" You get it free now but you have to pay that bonus die back on a future roll...ooooooh that could be interesting.

I will help you here but in return you will owe me.

Now and I working on the mechanics for my Robot game - Fragile Gods? A Fairy Game of unknown name, or Alley Cat....it might be alley cat...lol.